Cry For Clary
by dhbPATHWAY1997
Summary: Jace's POV plus a little extra on the Epilogue of City of Ashes. R&R! Thanks!


Jace's POV

"After that, what?"

"I don't know," I said only partly honestly. "He's a lunatic. It's hard to guess what a lunatic will do next." I didn't know if she knew that I was avoiding her gaze, but there was only one word on my mind: _war._ That was what Valentine wanted. War with the Shadowhunters. And being who he was, he would most likely get it, too. I could only wonder where he'd strike first… "Anyway, I doubt that's what you came to talk to me about, is it?" I asked, attempting to turn our conversation around. Clary finally wanted to talk to me and I wasn't going to waste the precious time she allotted me before she began avoiding me again talking about our traitorous father.

"No." She seemed to be struggling with words, trying to find the right ones to voice. But with a deep flush in her cheeks and the rest of her pale in her white sweater, she looked as if she might have a fever. She looked sort of sick, too. "I've been wanting to talk to you for the past few days –"

"Could have fooled me." I couldn't help but interrupt. My voice was sharp and cold and I almost regretted it, but I still felt a small, swelling anger in my stomach. How could she claim to have wanted to talk to me? "Every time I called you, Luke said you were sick. I figured you were avoiding me. Again." I could hear the bitterness in my tone, but I wasn't going to take it back.

"I wasn't." I was slightly surprised, and it made me excited that maybe she hadn't been avoiding me, but confused at the same time. What was she doing, if _not_ ignoring me? Her life seemed to be close to full with that activity. I tried to distance myself from her mentally, not wanting to get my hopes up for nothing, as I had a tendency to do. "I did want to talk to you. I've been thinking about you all the time."

I couldn't help it; my stomach did a flip as my heart flew up into my throat. I choked it down in surprise and unconsciously reached my hand out across the table, upset at myself when I did it, but I didn't dare show it. When did it suddenly come second-nature for me to hold out my hand to her? I seemed to have been doing that quite often recently. She looked relieved and took my hand in hers. "I've been thinking about you too," I eventually returned.

Her hold on my hand was warm and comforting and I couldn't stop my mind from racing back to the moment in Renwick's when Clary took the last thing that was left of home from me and how I'd pulled her into my arms, just wanting to feel her, even if she was apparently my sister. I cursed myself now for that careless lack of judgment, how I'd felt then, but I brushed it off, telling myself I had just needed someone to hold onto. "I really was sick," she said. "I swear. I almost died back there on the ship, you know."

I let my hand go, mentally wincing at her words and the memories. I kept on staring at her, almost trying to memorize her face. The curve of her cheek and how that one curl of hair would float down onto the side of her forehead and although it happened every twenty seconds, she never noticed. How her eyes sparkled whenever she looked up or to the side. How her nose twitched whenever she was irritated. "I know," I said cautiously, quietly. "Every time you almost die, I almost die myself."

It was hard to admit that, one of the deeper parts of me, but it was true. Whenever Clary was in peril, I felt as if I was, too. Like I was about to be ripped to shreds by some demon, too, or killed by our bastard of a father, too. It was worth my courage to see her face light up, just a little. I wondered why. She really liked having an older brother – one willing to give up his life for her, quite willingly?

"Jace, I came to tell you that –"

I interrupted for the second time. "Wait. Let me talk first." I held my hands up as if guarding myself against her words. "Before you say anything, I wanted to apologize to you."

This is where things were about to get difficult. Already I could feel my heart beating irregularly, and my feet started feeling colder, as if the circulation in my lower legs had been cut off, but I'd been thinking long and hard about this and it was what was best – not only for Clary and I in our social and love lives, but in this whole coming battle. It would be better if I were off her back, not always hounding her to…to love me back.

"Apologize? For what?" Damn. She was so cute when she was confused… _She's your sister, she's your sister, you idiot._

"For not listening to you." I combed back my hair with my hands, just trying to let loose my exasperation and anxiety. "You kept telling me that I couldn't have what I wanted from you, and I kept pushing at you and pushing at you and not listening to you at all. I just wanted you and I didn't care what anybody else had to say about it. Not even you." The words spilled out and I couldn't stop them or take them back. She looked at me in shock, but was she only surprised that I was apologizing?

_Good God, Clary,_ I wanted to say to her sarcastically. _You do know that I _am_ a human being capable of apologizing, right?_

Before Clary could respond to me, however, Kaelie was back with my fries and several plates for Clary. I had been confused at what she'd ordered, but considering that she wasn't used to the restaurant and its menu, added to her obvious anxiousness and all the stress that's been put on her shoulders, could I really blame her for accidentally ordering chocolate-dipped crickets?

"Jace," she said as soon as Kaelie had left the table with a wink towards me. "You didn't do anything wrong. You –"

But once again, I interrupted. "No. Let me finish." I stared down at my fries as if trying to find the answer to all my problems within the fried potatoes and grease. I surprised myself when my eyes begin to sting, but I hadn't openly cried like this in front of anyone in years, so it was easy enough to keep the tears held back in my eyes, kept at a constant sting. "Carly, I have to say it now or – or I won't say it." My words came out in a rush: "I thought I'd lost my family. And I don't mean Valentine. I mean the Lightwoods. I thought they'd finished with me. I thought there was nothing left in my world but you. I – I was crazy with loss and I took it out on you and I'm sorry. You were right."

"No. I was stupid. I was cruel to you –" She looked desperate for me to understand but I interrupted her for the fourth time that conversation.

"You had every right to be." I finally lifted my gaze to her and she looked – sad? She looked like she was lost in something, a memory or sudden thought. She looked like she'd just lost something important. Had something occurred to her? But I ignored it and kept on talking. "What you said was true. We don't live or love in a vacuum. There are people around us who care about us who would be hurt, maybe destroyed, if we let ourselves feel what we might want to feel. To be that selfish, it would mean – it would mean being like Valentine." I spoke with finality and though Clary still looked upset, I thought that I'd gotten the point across nicely. Sure, I was practically dying inside, but I was doing the right thing – for all of us.

Irritated with myself that the stinging intensified and my chest had begun to hurt like a boulder had just fallen on top of it, I summoned up one of the other reasons I'd had for apologizing – I'd hoped that she'd be happy, finally be pleased with me that I was going to cooperate. She hadn't wanted me always on her back to try and get her to feel the same way and now I was climbing down. I would be what she wanted me to be. And for that, I hoped she'd be happy. But Clary looked conflicted and almost…hurt. Had I hurt her? But… I was doing this _for_ her!

_No matter, Jace,_ I told myself. _In time, she'll see that you did the right thing. And she knows that she'll be happier this way. Now she can be with…Simon…without any interference from me. None. I don't care._ Why should I care…? I looked at her with pleading eyes. "That's what you wanted, isn't it?"

It took Clary what seemed like a lifetime to answer, but when she did, her voice sounded strange, like a disembodied echo, coming from miles away. "Yes," she answered, and I felt both devastated and glad at the same time, such a petrifying contradiction. "That's what I wanted."

As soon as I left Taki's, and got back to the Institute, everyone asked what had taken me so long.

"Well, I ran into Clary on my way. She wanted to talk."

The whole room quieted. The crinkling of plastic wrappers, creaking of silverware drawers and opening of refrigerator doors ceased as the Lightwoods and Church all stared at me.

"Oh," Isabelle finally offered, starting to open up her paper bag again. "Well how did it go?"

I tried to act nonchalant as I walked over to the refrigerator that Max had half-opened. He didn't know much of what was going on at all these days but he knew that "Jace and his sister were having sibling troubles."

"So they fight a lot?" he'd asked at first.

"Well, um. Yes, they do, actually. They're having a little trouble adjusting to becoming siblings, because they didn't know each other before, you know?" Alec had tried to help explain.

"Oh. Well so they'll get used to it and be okay?"

"Hopefully it'll be that simple, buddy."

I took the refrigerator door from his small hand and reached over his head to grab a soda from the top shelf. "Yeah. It was fine. We talked, got some stuff off of our chests. It was good."

"Well…okay. That's good." Alec half-smiled. The other Lightwoods nodded in silence and commenced with their dinnertime activities.

"I'm going to be in my room," I offered as I turned to go upstairs. They all nodded again except for Isabelle, who came up to me.

"Jace?"

"Yeah?"

As soon as we'd walked a little farther out of the rest of the family's earshot, she said quietly but passionately, "Jace, if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you, okay? I know you don't really like talking about your feelings and stuff, but I know that some things are just too big to keep quiet about, okay? And I know what heartache feels like."

I looked at her in what I hoped what was a confused sort of way even though I was just surprised: how did she know…?

"Well. Thanks, Izzy. That means a lot."

She smiled sadly and nodded, patting my arm as I turned away from her.

I got upstairs, kicked off my shoes and sat on the bed before I managed to lose all respect for myself. I set down the cold can of soda on the bedside table and tucked my legs up on the bed crisscross style and let my shoulders just slump. I hadn't felt this worn out or tired when I hadn't been fighting demons in ages.

Clary… Clary… Clary… My heart seemed to thrum along to her name. Tha-thump…Tha-thump… Clary…Clary… I raised my hands and put my elbows on my knees, then put my head in my hands. Clary…

She was sad because…why? She was sad about her mother. She was sad about Simon's becoming a vampire. She was sad about the people who had died on the ship. She was sad about…what else? Me…? Why had she seemed almost upset about me?

Was it that she was disappointed? But this was what she wanted! Even she wasn't capable of being so infuriating that she could change her mind over something as huge as this just like that! Plus, she had Simon, who, even if he _was_ a vampire, was not related to her. And now he could go out in sunlight – freaking huzzah!

Well, she could go and be happy with her vampy, bloodsucking boyfriend. I didn't –

No. That's always a lie. I care. I care so much that it felt like I was going to explode. "Clary… Clary…!" I whispered, feeling miserable. I could have punched a wall when a lone tear slid down my face that hadn't cried in so long. Jace Wayland – never Jonathan Morgenstern, but Jace Wayland – didn't cry. I was tougher than that, inside and out. I didn't cry. But I cried for Clary.

**A/N: Hey, guys! I know, I haven't written much lately. And I probably won't, much. I have school again now and SO much homework – I can't believe how much. But I just recently finished reading **_**City of Ashes**_** and I nearly cried at this scene! (Then I added a little more of my own ;P) I'm thinking… Should I do one of these for every book? That sounds fun… **

**Thank you all for reviewing and adding me to your authors! **

**Pathway 3**


End file.
